


What She Owes

by Sarea Okelani (sarea)



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-17
Updated: 2012-05-17
Packaged: 2017-11-05 13:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/406908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarea/pseuds/Sarea%20Okelani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She can't pinpoint the exact moment her hopes were razed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What She Owes

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short interlude with Natasha when she's regaining her bearings after scuffling with the Hulk.

//\\\//

She can't pinpoint the exact moment her hopes were razed.

When Coulson told her about Clint, that's when the seed was planted, that she knows. And with every second, every minute that passes and he's not here, it opens the abyss a little more and she's looking down from the edge. Maybe the hole appeared, fully formed, during that first conversation, and she was just lying to herself. All she knows is that when Banner transformed and she finally met the other guy he'd talked about so much, the pain and the fear had stripped her raw. The _fear._ That was a word that hadn't been in her vocabulary in a long time. Maybe ever. But now there is no more pretending. The abyss is waiting for her and all she has to do is fall. 

_Remember who you are,_ she tells herself, over and over, gasping for air, her whole body trembling. _Remember who you are._ It's a mantra that's worked dozens, maybe hundreds, of times. It's helped her dodge bullets, resist interrogations, spar with psychopaths, negotiate with unstable scientists, and take down a room full of armed men on her own. When everyone around her is rattled, when things look bad, then worse, she can keep her cool.

Those four words have gotten her through a lot, but now they're not working. Remember who she is? Who _is_ she? Natalia Romanova? That girl died in a Volgograd fire along with her parents. The Black Widow? A foreign agent whose list of victims is surpassed only by the number of bad choices she's made when it comes to lovers. Natalie Rushman? An alias to get close to Tony Stark. Natasha Romanoff, S.H.I.E.L.D. agent? Is that who she is? _Remember who you are._ Why doesn't it mean anything anymore?

She closes her eyes, just for a second. She shuts out the Helicarrier wheezing its last breaths, the chaos of men killing and being killed. What she sees: Hazel eyes, changeable eyes, that have held rage, compassion, pain, mirth, lust -- she's seen it, she knows she has. They _see_ her, have always seen her, even when she wanted to disappear. They helped unmake then remake her. What she feels: Callused fingers against her own, not too tight, not too fleeting, to say _I'm here._ What she hears: The sound of her name, spoken in camaraderie, in exasperation, in worry, in anger, in love.

"It's Barton. He took out our systems. He's headed for the detention level!" Fury's voice says over comms. "Does anybody copy?"

She hears another voice. _Your world in the balance, and you bargain for one man?_ Loki mocked her for that choice. What she kept from him is that she will do that -- and more -- when it's the one who keeps her world in balance. It's not a choice.

Calm suddenly reasserts itself. Natasha's breathing slows, becomes even. The tears that have been trapped in her eyes are suddenly dry. All the noise, all the pain, all that distraction fades away. When things look bad, then _really_ bad, she's the one who can be depended on to stop her best friend from destroying the world, because they need her to. Because _he_ needs her to. Because she owes him.

"This is Agent Romanoff," Natasha says. "I copy."

She remembers who she is.

//\\\//

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading. <3 Feedback always appreciated!


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